I'll give you a locomoco...

This just pisses me off:

Hey, I presume you may be looking for "the One" on this site, and lemme tell you, that's not me.. ALTHOUGH, I wouldn't have msged you if I didn't think you're cool and pretty and shit, and I think you'd be useful to me on my vaca.. k, so listen - I need to find the best LocoMoco around.. and don't tell me your Mom makes it because I'm not meeting your Family right off the bat you creepshow haha.. anyway, you down to help me out or what?

A dating site is not the place to find locomoco (a local dish with rice, burger patties and eggs). And why do you need a "cool and pretty and shit" girl to find you food?  Asshat. 

Keep your nawty side away from me...

Maui is a hard place to be single. There's not a lot of prospects out there that want something serious. Here's an example:




Why do I need to know how long you've been on Maui? And yes you do sound cocky. Douche bag.

A Wesley Crusher of my own...

Obviously Facebook knows I'm single. I get a lot of ads for dating sites in my sidebar: Christian singles (no thanks), interracial dating (not something I'm looking for specifically), meet guys on Facebook (???). But every once in awhile something new pops up.

Here's what came up today:

I am kind of a nerd, but I am definitely not a trekkie. I only ever watched one of the Star Trek series (Voyager) and it's the one most trekkies like the least. So, suffice to say Trekkie dating is probably not going to work out for me.

Though I have to say that dweeby looking Wesley Crusher in the picture (I'm assuming that's who he supposed to dressed up as - my apologies if I'm wrong) is somewhat appealing in a nerdy kinda way.

Giant (well usually not-so-giant) Pet Peeve

I really do not like when guys send me dick pictures. Even when I am in a sexual relationship with a guy I don't want be sent pictures of his dick.

I guess dicks need to be in context and getting a random picture of one is shocking in a bad way. I'm not sure why men feel they need to do that. Maybe they want us to reciprocate? I don't know. But please men, please stop.

Bizarre online dating pics

The profile pic is very important for online dating. Sadly, counter to the old adage, most people judge others on dating sites by their profile pictures. So make sure it represents you in a good way. Don't scare people away...Don't be these guys.

Quantum mechanics

I don't know how this fits in to quantum mechanics. The class I took never got into the quanta of penises...

Are you calling me fat?

This was an ad on my Facebook newsfeed. I don't think I like what you're saying about me Facebook:

Interesting Profession

I wonder if this actually works...

So I'm thinking of changing my profession to something more interesting to spark a conversation.  What should I put down???  Any suggestions? :)

Oh tourists

This is the nicest one-night-stand request I've ever received. It's not crude at all:





If I weren't feeling so lazy I'd almost be willing to say yes. Almost.

I'm not what you're looking 4

Got this email this morning. We've discusses bad handles before, and this one really isn't helping your cause buddy:




Plenty of Fish is probably not the best place to be lookin 4 strippers. Maybe try Craigslist.

And obviously you don't know how strippers work if you are looking for them on a dating site. Strippers are found in strip clubs. Or, since we are on Maui, they are hired for private parties. They really aren't something you need to search for.

Oh dear...

Do you miss me yet?

Ya Can't Make This Sh*t Up...

not. even. kidding.

um... no.  And you are not coool.

How not to pick up girls in a bar...

This isn't a post about online dating, but it did happen on Maui so I'm going to allow it.

Years ago, after my sister moved home from college, my mom set us up in a blind date. Yes both of us. One guy. My mom's a little crazy when it comes to finding her daughters dates (it's all a part of "Operation Grandchildren" in which any tactics may be necessary).

Surprisingly this story isn't about the blind date (not that it worked out well at all - it was the last blind date I ever let my mom set me up on) it's about something that happened before the blind date showed up.

We were at the Ale House and had ordered drinks while waiting for the blind date to show when this older Maui-wind surfer-hippy type saunters over. This is the conversation we had:

Surfer-douche: As the unofficial welcome wagon of Maui I'd like to welcome you two ladies to the island. Where are you girls from?

My sister and I give identical confused glances at each other. One of us: We're from Maui.

Welcome-wagon-douche: Do you work at night.

One of us (not amused): No.

Foot-in-mouth-douche: Well maybe you should go out in the sun.

He walked away before we could answer. Fortunate for him because one of us may have punched him (probably not me). Granted my sister had just moved home from the mainland and I don't tan well and tend to avoid the sun, but you really shouldn't make those kinds of assumptions about people then blame them when those assumptions make you into an ass. Not a way to make a good impression.

Hawaiian Supaman

I feel kind of like I'm breaking some online dating rules, but I find this too awesome not to share. I'm doing it out of respect.

This guy is hilarious and I would totally message him to tell him so but he prefers the Hawaiian ladies so I'll just keep my haole-ness to myself.

This is what he has written on his profile. It definitely makes him stand out:

"My self-summary
I was born on the mystical island of Niihau. It was there that surfed my way to Maui on my wooden KOA board carved from the sacred trees of Niihau.

I landed in Kahoolawe were I met my new family. I was 2 years old at the time. There I lived among the wild Nene gooses and pua'as. There, I learned how to catch all da Humus and the Nukus and all the Apua'as. At the age of 13 I become a man with a full grown beard. It was time to join society and make my life something even better. I was not afraid of the future, I was afraid of what I was capable of.

At the age of 16, I when sponge em up Mountain Haleakala, the cold never bother me cause I full HAWAIIAN, the cold was afraid of ME. At the top I fell into a mystical crater which gave me super powers and when give me TRIBAL TATS and sunglasses and green bottles buu and one pitbull and one flatbed truck.

What I’m doing with my life
Now, I am 28. Even though I lost my virginity at 2 years old. It is time to find my Queen Liliuokalani, my girl KAMEHAMEHA, my brown skinned butterfly so I can be her NECTA and POLLINATE.

I am a successful Hawaiian SUPAMAN. I find crime and send em straight to MCCC. Literally, I toss em over the fence. I taught Dog ALL his tricks buleh. Children love me. When the gov't take my land, I take em back they no stop me. I too murf. DIS MY BEACH. DIS OUR BEACH. No Ka oi. Melekalikimaka.

I’m really good at
I can speak fluent HAWAIIAN in braille."

Like I said hilarious.

wait...what??

like, submarines?  Dom Perignon?  wait...what?

Did he just call me a stupid servant?

You know the "About Me" space on your profile?  Well, I have something in there about my modification to the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them... because no one else is just like you."

When I was married, my husband could not wrap his mind around the fact that I did not want him to wake me up if I fell asleep on the couch.  If I'm lucky enough to get to sleep, I don't care where it is. LET ME SLEEP!  Now, if he fell asleep on the couch, I'd leave him there.  In the morning he'd be so cranky from the lack of lumbar support and pissed at me for not waking him up to come to bed.  

That's all I meant by do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them.  We were both using the Golden Rule and pissing each other off.  Get it?

This was someone's email to me yesterday (names have been changed to protect the innocent):

(some douchebag)   Hi, you poise an interesting question, "on treating people: Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them... because no one else is just like you. discuss." but philosophically then the ideal person you seek would be a "people pleaser" and therefore unsuitable for an intelligent woman.

(me) How so, sir?

(i like to email while i poop) Hi... well now let me see.... if I did unto others as they wanted me to do unto them then I would be a servant. I think everyone always acts in their own self interest... I would hope they would. That is the only way you can really trust someone you see. I trust everyone to act in their own self interest. I wouldn't trust someone that pretends not to act in their own self interest. Even if they are being altruistic, they have some need to act that way. They believe it is in their self interest... Therefore people are always acting in a way that they believe is in their self interest even if it is not.... So.... if I did unto others as they wanted me to then it would appear that i must think it is in my self interest to be their servant. So I ask you what kind of a man would think it is in his self interest to be a servant? For example: it is in my self interest to reply to this email because I enjoy a good conversation about such matters. I have three treasures, Simplicity, patience and compassion, and I would give and share these with anyone because it is in my self interest to make the world a more harmonious place. but that does not mean I would give them anything they wanted as the statement "Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them" implies. Just thinking.…

A quick question about your handle

Dear Mr. ANIGAV4ME,

Aetna has a comprehensive list of criteria in order to be considered for gender reassignment surgery... also, Eden Fantasys has a wide assortment of toys for men.

Were you looking to wear one or keep one in your sock drawer???

Sincerely,
U4TONSIANIGAVYM

Tour Guide

Another downside to the dating scene on Maui, tourists: "Hi, I like your profile. I am visiting Maui and would love to find someone to show me around. If you are interested shoot me a message. K" No I don't want to be your tour guide. I'm not looking to hook up with a guy on vacation. I don't want to spend my day as a tour guide for someone I don't know. I don't know why anyone would think I want to.

Married and divorced

I have to say I really enjoyed this message. Since we were on different islands there's nothing to do but have fun with it. I did respond to it, but in the same manner that it was sent to. Nothing serious. Mostly flirty fun.

"We're quiver matches, according to OKC, so much so that we're at a 65% match compatability and only a 22% enemy. That's pretty decent, methinks, although I find it HILARIOUS that we're on two totally different islands! Go figure. Nonetheless & intrigued, I checked out your profile and liked what I read, but you also you seem like trouble, so I've already married and then divorced you in my mind.

Your ex,

P.S. Keep the cat and the villa in Kapalua, I get the dog and the condo in Vegas.

;)"

We made fun of OKcupids geographical shortcomings. I made a joke about joining a crazy cat lady support group and sleeping around to get over him. It's like living in a fictional world with a pen pal.

The messages were fun, but obviously nothing ever became of it. Sigh.

Sharks with lasers part 2

Since, as I mentioned several posts ago, I get a lot of "shark with lasers attached to their heads" comments I added a snarky remark about it on one of my dating profiles. Something like:

"I work with lasers sometimes which is really cool, but we've yet to successfully attach one to a sharks head. Just in case you were wondering."

Well I also mention that I have a severe phobia of crabs (the crustacean not the pubic lice - though I can't say I like those either). I added it because I had a guy suggest hanging out on the beach at night and watching his dog catch crabs on a first date. I figured I'd put it out there ao it wouldn't be a weird discovery later.

Today I got a message from a guy asking this:

"So you hate crabs but work with sharks in the ocean?"

Hmmm...somebody doesn't get my sense of humor.

I checked out his profile and he's 26. Maybe that's too young for Austin Powers?

But I guess it does show that he read my whole profile.

Don't insult me

This happened awhile ago with a guy I met on Craigslist. And while it never got past the first date I learned some lessons from the experience.

The post said something about looking for a snarky girl and since that is exactly how I describe my sense of humor I started emailing with the guy. Even from his emails I could tell he liked to talk about himself a lot.

He had just moved to Maui and I informed him that I was born and raised here. The emailing wasn't great but I decided to meet him for coffee.

While chatting over coffee he started going off on politics in Hawaii. While I agree there are political issues unique to Hawaii I still feel like someone who just moved here doesn't have the right to insult our politicians or political system. But that was just the start.

He then made a comment about if he ever had kids he'd move back to the mainland because the public school system in Hawaii is so awful. This is after I had already informed him that I was born and raised here.

So not only was he an outsider insulting Hawaii he was directly insulting me and my education. While I agree that the public school system could use some help, I have always been very proud of the education I received at public schools in Hawaii.

Needless to say I never spoke to him again after that date.

Oh, and he also had a tattoo of a fairy. On his shoulder. A very badly drawn tattoo. Weird.

Guys... Can we talk about your profile pic?

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but there are some profile pics that just make me go, "NEXT!"

So, today I wanna give you guys some tips on how to choose a good profile pic.

Step 1.  Make sure you look happy... or at least pleasant.

Step 2.  Wear a shirt.  

Step 3.  Show your eyes.  They are the windows to your soul. :)

Step 4.  Don't forget your manscaping!  :)

Step 5.  Make sure your picture is upright.

And Step 6.  Make sure you are sober.

My bad

This is a slight change from routine since in this story I'm the idiot.

I met a guy on MySpace (which means it happened years ago). He sent me a message indicating his interest. Since there were so many annoying guys on MySpace sending messages of no value I was somewhat skeptical at first. He said I was cute or something like that which made me suspicious. His profile also said he was 6'5".

To air my concerns I tweeted something about being suspicious of tall people and guys who think I'm cute.

What I'd forgotten is that the week before I'd set up my twitter account to update my MySpace status when I tweeted. So the guy I was emailing, who I'd just added as a friend on MySpace, saw my tweet about him and called me on it.

Needless to say I felt like a douche bag. Fortunately he was nice enough to let it go.

Social ent

While bad grammar is usually just a nuisance, sometimes you get a message that makes you wonder if the person writing it was drunk on a cell phone with missing buttons, or just doesn't speak English (as always the spelling/grammatical errors are all his):

"Good evening. It's too bad I never heard back from you inasmuch as you're a quite diversified young lady (educated prof coupled w theater/ballet). Dating someone here isn't a contingency for me.....it's social ent and always to speak to someone who may be equally yoked. Hope this find you in good spirit :)"

It started out somewhat promising but crashed badly in the third sentence. I've yet to find anyone for whom dating is a contingency so it's anyone's guess as to what that's all about.

And - spoiler alert here comes my dorky side - I may be a little rusty on my Tolkien, but I thought ents by nature were antisocial.

Here's hoping we are all equally yoked.

Super-Exited Guy Really IS Super-Exited!!!!!

When I was doing that post about the over-use of exclamation points, I had to log on to Jazzed.com for the first time in about 6 months.  After blogging, I went back to Jazzed to see what else I had missed.

As I scrolled down I found that "Super Exited Exclamation Point Guy" had thoroughly perved my page:

What the poo?  You live in Creedmoor.  Where the hell is that?!?

Sharks with Lasers

I work with lasers. Since I think lasers are cool (and I like to think that guys think lasers are cool) I usually mention it in my dating profiles. It's something interesting, but also points out (subtly) that I am a bit of a nerd. Yet every other message I get on a dating site includes the same thing.

In our post-Austin Powers world every one has the same response to the word "laser": sharks with  laser beams on their heads.

I get that a lot! It was funny maybe the first 4 times. Now it's just cliche.

Of course it's better than everybody's second response: stop humping the laser!!

So I guess I should just be happy about the damn sharks.

Grammar!!!!!! Part!!!!! TOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

 Offender #2:  Super Exited Exclamation Point Guy

OK!!!

I'm pretty sure he is a bot, but it's nice to know that there's a bot out there who is my Best Friend Forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Word or Too About Grammar...

If you have taken the time to answer 293 questions on a dating site, you can take a few minutes to check your grammar, guys.  It's like your fly is down, and we are trying to ignore it and give you the benefit of the doubt.
Like, "I'm sure if he knew better, he would fix that..."
Or, "That doesn't mean he's dim, he just... maybe... forgot..."

Whatever the reason, your flaccid penis could still pop out at any moment, and that's just tacky.

FIX IT.

There are a lot (NOT "alot") of these, so I'll probably post more later.

Offender #1:  Run-On Sentence Guy

Well, hi, Mister.  I kinda figured you seen me on okcupid since you just messaged me on okcupid, but thanks for the clarification.

You would what?

Got this message on POF:

I think the profile pic just makes the message.

Yeah... they don't mean it when they say...

"...looking for new friends."

This little gem was an OkCupid find.  His initial contact was very overtly flattering... borderline-too-much.  I think I commented on it, "Well, that was quite a flattering and BOLD message."  He was nice enough, tho.  I signed my real name, and promptly regretted it.  I think he read some dating-advice pamplet that offered up such pearls of wisdom as:

1.  Women LOVE compliments. et nauseam You can never go too far.  Ever.

2.  Women LOVE to hear the sound of and read their own name.  A LOT.  Use her name whenever possible.

He literally used my name in every sentence.
Despite the little red flags that were already popping up, I met him at the Starbucks.   (I know... I know...)
Now, let me preface something.  I know myself.  I know that if I am not attracted to someone, there is NOTHING I can do about it.  And I had nothing for this guy.
No. Thing.
At. All.
Not even a lil'bit.
But during our conversation, he mentioned that he was looking for new friends to just talk to, or hang-out with.  And he was a nice-enough-guy.  I told him that would be fine.  We made plans to "hang-out" over pizza.

On Pizza Night he:
brought me a present.
held the door for me.
pulled out my chair.
used my name preceded by the word, "Oh,"  all. night.
At the end of the night, I gave him a hug which turned into him holding me and not releasing me for a good 10 seconds.  This was followed by the awkward lean-in on his part which caused me to panic and wave a frantic 'good-bye' directly in front of his face.

It was uncomfortable and awkward.

So, I sent him an email letting him know, very clearly, that I was not attracted to him and that the whole night was uncomfortable for me.  His response was very mature.  He said he was disappointed, but understood and didn't want to lose me as a new friend.

Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks.  I figured I was too harsh or something.  Then he sent me a long ol' message about how he wishes he could be my friend, but can't because he wants more and how sad and tragic it all is.  

I responded with "k."

Then he un-friended me on facebook.

 If you are interested in the remaining little deformed lack-luster pearls from the aforementioned pamphlet, they are as follows:
 
3.  If a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, it means she is interested.  DON'T GIVE UP!  Repeat steps 1 and 2 until she succumbs.  

4.  If all of the above fails, she is doing something wrong and it is all her fault.  Throw a tanty.  Un-friend her on Facebook.  Paint your miniature action figures until you feel better.

I changed his name to "Bleh" in my phone so I wouldn't get caught in a weird phone call.

Strike One for Ok Cupid.

Small Island

Maui is a small island. With around 150,000 residents (not counting tourists) it can be hard to have any kind of anonymity. You are pretty much guaranteed to run into someone you know anywhere you go. I just went on a first date with a guy I met online (basically = blind date) and a guy I went on an unsuccessful date after meeting online last year walks by. He stopped and talked to my date, who he had tried to rent a room from, and then chatted with me. Our one date (the old guy, not sure yet about the new guy) was ok, but didn't lead to anything more (and I mean anything - neither of us even texted each other after). So, needless to say, AWK-ward. But I guess that is to be expected on a small island like Maui.

POF Psycho

I got this message on Plenty of Fish (POF). All of the spelling/grammatical errors are his.

"so little to go on.. why is it always up to us guys to guess what the girl is all about, persuing and persuing.. im a noncompetitive type, meaning i hate sports and anything resembling competition.. so blank profiles are just that, beckoning more questions and unanswered questions that the musclueheads are all in it to win it, competining for the biggest penis award. Boo! I'm not playing! And PS: Fukc You!!! I just typed all that up only to get rejected, getting a POF message alert saying you only accept messages from peoople who are close to you. Well hello little sister, if I spent 20 minutes of thought on you just to get the door, piss all over you. Now YOU'RE being offensive. Might wanna remove that stipulatiuon. I hopped islands to be with a girl... anything is possible, but not for the pretensious!

and so I looked up your location's zip code and changed mine just to send you your thught up message.. makes me mad when I spend time on a girl and she throws it away."

I think my favorite part is the "musclueheads." Mus Clue Heads??

After reading it several times I figured out that he, at first, was upset that I didn't have enough information in my profile (it is nowhere near "blank"). When he tried to send his little message bitching about that he was unable to because I only accept messages from people that are on the same island as I am (simplifies things and keeps the marines who don't know that Wailuku is not on Oahu away). Then he got really pissed. Pissed enough that he changed his zip code just so he could send me a message bitching about it.

Yikes.

Boob Poem

I'll start with my most memorable message on a dating site. As you may have guessed from the title of the post it involves a poem about my boobs.

I had received several messages from an eager, young 18-year-old boy who was well under the age range I had indicated in my preferences. I ignored them, not wanting to be a cougar, until the final message when I decided to block him for his own good.
His final attempt to cyber-woo me was a poem that went like this:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You sure have a nice set of boobs

While flattering, and potentially the only poem I may ever receive, I was reasonably creeped out.

Advice for young men out there: don't write odes to boobs you've not at least met in person.

Welcome

Welcome!

We are two single girls on Maui struggling through online dating while stuck on an island. This blog will recount some of our dating adventures both online and otherwise.

Enjoy!