Interesting Profession

I wonder if this actually works...

So I'm thinking of changing my profession to something more interesting to spark a conversation.  What should I put down???  Any suggestions? :)

Oh tourists

This is the nicest one-night-stand request I've ever received. It's not crude at all:





If I weren't feeling so lazy I'd almost be willing to say yes. Almost.

I'm not what you're looking 4

Got this email this morning. We've discusses bad handles before, and this one really isn't helping your cause buddy:




Plenty of Fish is probably not the best place to be lookin 4 strippers. Maybe try Craigslist.

And obviously you don't know how strippers work if you are looking for them on a dating site. Strippers are found in strip clubs. Or, since we are on Maui, they are hired for private parties. They really aren't something you need to search for.

Oh dear...

Do you miss me yet?

Ya Can't Make This Sh*t Up...

not. even. kidding.

um... no.  And you are not coool.

How not to pick up girls in a bar...

This isn't a post about online dating, but it did happen on Maui so I'm going to allow it.

Years ago, after my sister moved home from college, my mom set us up in a blind date. Yes both of us. One guy. My mom's a little crazy when it comes to finding her daughters dates (it's all a part of "Operation Grandchildren" in which any tactics may be necessary).

Surprisingly this story isn't about the blind date (not that it worked out well at all - it was the last blind date I ever let my mom set me up on) it's about something that happened before the blind date showed up.

We were at the Ale House and had ordered drinks while waiting for the blind date to show when this older Maui-wind surfer-hippy type saunters over. This is the conversation we had:

Surfer-douche: As the unofficial welcome wagon of Maui I'd like to welcome you two ladies to the island. Where are you girls from?

My sister and I give identical confused glances at each other. One of us: We're from Maui.

Welcome-wagon-douche: Do you work at night.

One of us (not amused): No.

Foot-in-mouth-douche: Well maybe you should go out in the sun.

He walked away before we could answer. Fortunate for him because one of us may have punched him (probably not me). Granted my sister had just moved home from the mainland and I don't tan well and tend to avoid the sun, but you really shouldn't make those kinds of assumptions about people then blame them when those assumptions make you into an ass. Not a way to make a good impression.

Hawaiian Supaman

I feel kind of like I'm breaking some online dating rules, but I find this too awesome not to share. I'm doing it out of respect.

This guy is hilarious and I would totally message him to tell him so but he prefers the Hawaiian ladies so I'll just keep my haole-ness to myself.

This is what he has written on his profile. It definitely makes him stand out:

"My self-summary
I was born on the mystical island of Niihau. It was there that surfed my way to Maui on my wooden KOA board carved from the sacred trees of Niihau.

I landed in Kahoolawe were I met my new family. I was 2 years old at the time. There I lived among the wild Nene gooses and pua'as. There, I learned how to catch all da Humus and the Nukus and all the Apua'as. At the age of 13 I become a man with a full grown beard. It was time to join society and make my life something even better. I was not afraid of the future, I was afraid of what I was capable of.

At the age of 16, I when sponge em up Mountain Haleakala, the cold never bother me cause I full HAWAIIAN, the cold was afraid of ME. At the top I fell into a mystical crater which gave me super powers and when give me TRIBAL TATS and sunglasses and green bottles buu and one pitbull and one flatbed truck.

What I’m doing with my life
Now, I am 28. Even though I lost my virginity at 2 years old. It is time to find my Queen Liliuokalani, my girl KAMEHAMEHA, my brown skinned butterfly so I can be her NECTA and POLLINATE.

I am a successful Hawaiian SUPAMAN. I find crime and send em straight to MCCC. Literally, I toss em over the fence. I taught Dog ALL his tricks buleh. Children love me. When the gov't take my land, I take em back they no stop me. I too murf. DIS MY BEACH. DIS OUR BEACH. No Ka oi. Melekalikimaka.

I’m really good at
I can speak fluent HAWAIIAN in braille."

Like I said hilarious.

wait...what??

like, submarines?  Dom Perignon?  wait...what?

Did he just call me a stupid servant?

You know the "About Me" space on your profile?  Well, I have something in there about my modification to the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them... because no one else is just like you."

When I was married, my husband could not wrap his mind around the fact that I did not want him to wake me up if I fell asleep on the couch.  If I'm lucky enough to get to sleep, I don't care where it is. LET ME SLEEP!  Now, if he fell asleep on the couch, I'd leave him there.  In the morning he'd be so cranky from the lack of lumbar support and pissed at me for not waking him up to come to bed.  

That's all I meant by do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them.  We were both using the Golden Rule and pissing each other off.  Get it?

This was someone's email to me yesterday (names have been changed to protect the innocent):

(some douchebag)   Hi, you poise an interesting question, "on treating people: Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them... because no one else is just like you. discuss." but philosophically then the ideal person you seek would be a "people pleaser" and therefore unsuitable for an intelligent woman.

(me) How so, sir?

(i like to email while i poop) Hi... well now let me see.... if I did unto others as they wanted me to do unto them then I would be a servant. I think everyone always acts in their own self interest... I would hope they would. That is the only way you can really trust someone you see. I trust everyone to act in their own self interest. I wouldn't trust someone that pretends not to act in their own self interest. Even if they are being altruistic, they have some need to act that way. They believe it is in their self interest... Therefore people are always acting in a way that they believe is in their self interest even if it is not.... So.... if I did unto others as they wanted me to then it would appear that i must think it is in my self interest to be their servant. So I ask you what kind of a man would think it is in his self interest to be a servant? For example: it is in my self interest to reply to this email because I enjoy a good conversation about such matters. I have three treasures, Simplicity, patience and compassion, and I would give and share these with anyone because it is in my self interest to make the world a more harmonious place. but that does not mean I would give them anything they wanted as the statement "Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them" implies. Just thinking.…

A quick question about your handle

Dear Mr. ANIGAV4ME,

Aetna has a comprehensive list of criteria in order to be considered for gender reassignment surgery... also, Eden Fantasys has a wide assortment of toys for men.

Were you looking to wear one or keep one in your sock drawer???

Sincerely,
U4TONSIANIGAVYM

Tour Guide

Another downside to the dating scene on Maui, tourists: "Hi, I like your profile. I am visiting Maui and would love to find someone to show me around. If you are interested shoot me a message. K" No I don't want to be your tour guide. I'm not looking to hook up with a guy on vacation. I don't want to spend my day as a tour guide for someone I don't know. I don't know why anyone would think I want to.